Helpless
by pinkperson
Summary: A lonely day for Squall at the orphanage, as he is unable to understand why his life must remain so bleak.


Squall sat on the sand on the beach outside of the orphanage, eyes dull and not really focusing on anything. He sat with his arms wrapped around his knees, his head resting against them as well. The sky was darkening, and the summer weather was beginning to cool down. He blinked lazily as he watched the ocean waves lap gently as they reached the shore.

Everyone else was inside the orphanage. Squall was supposed to be inside as well, but he would often sneak out when Matron wasn't nearby just so he could sit by the shore and appreciate some alone time. He felt so tense and anxious when he was around the other kids. They would often scream and run around him, making him break into a cold sweat and wonder what he should do. Should he try to join them in their fun? Or would it be better to play it safe and just plan an escape route?

He almost always chose the latter.

Because whenever he tried to join in on the fun, it seemed all he did was rain on their parade, making them look at him oddly. As though it would have been better if he hadn't even bothered. When the kids were running around playing tag earlier, they hadn't even asked Squall if he could join in. Not that he would have obliged if they'd asked, but it just made it even more awkward as he was forced to stand aside stiffly and watch as they ran around making a commotion.

Suddenly Squall startled as footsteps approached from behind. He sat up straight and turned to see who it was. To his surprise, it was Matron. She smiled at him as she made her way to his side.

"Enjoying the sunset, are we?"

Squall didn't say anything as he turned back towards the ocean. He tried to resist the urge to shift away as she sat down beside him. He didn't like when people sat near him, much less when they spoke with him. He never knew what to do or say.

"I made some hot dogs. Just to surprise Zell. Why don't you come on inside and grab a bite before bedtime?"

Squall pursed his lips and wrapped his arms even tighter around his knees. He was already growing irritated because he knew what the real purpose behind this was. She didn't want him to be by himself because it unsettled her in some way. Like he was abnormal.

"Not hungry," Squall ground out. The truth was, he _was_ hungry, ravenously even. He just wanted to wait until everyone else went to bed. Besides, he felt the need to get away and this was the closest he could get to doing so, without running off into the Centra desert and getting mauled by a red imp or some other monster. Though sometimes, he almost felt tempted to make that sacrifice. Especially when Zell and Seifer started attacking each other.

"They're a bit of a headache, aren't they?" Matron murmured. "I guess I should do a better job of making them settle down and not drive you off to the beach. I'm sorry, Squall."

Squall remained silent, feeling some satisfaction in not giving her what she wanted. Truthfully, Squall didn't care much for apologies anyway. After all, what good were they, when the mistake was already made?

"I was watching the news earlier and I saw Deling City is opening up a new toy store. A really big one." Matron's voice was soft and caring. "I was thinking maybe we could all plan a trip there sometime soon. I know you don't have any toys, Squall. Maybe you'll see something you like."

Squall highly doubted that. He wasn't sure if there was any such toy that could make him feel the least bit of joy. Especially when he knew that it was just to make him feel like his life wasn't really that bad.

They sat in silence, watching as the sun began to disappear and darkness took its place. Squall felt jittery. He wished Matron would head back inside. He was beginning to consider returning to the orphanage just so he could get away from her, when she spoke up.

"You know, I used to want children of my own. Before running this orphanage. Cid and I...we talked about it. We wanted a boy and a girl, but it never happened. I...I couldn't have children, it turned out. I cried so much when I found out. I was devastated."

Squall ground his teeth together. There were few things he hated more than when people would talk to him about their past. It bored him deeply. He also just didn't care.

"I wanted a little girl to dress up in pink frilly dresses, you know? Or a boy who'd remind me so much of Cid. Strong, dependable, caring. We could all play at the beach, making sandcastles and I could teach them how to swim."

Squall turned his head away from Matron, hoping she'd get the message. Instead, she continued speaking.

"But now, sitting here with you, I feel like this is almost better, in a way."

Squall blinked, not expecting this. He couldn't help but frown deeply, uncomprehending. What was she talking about? She couldn't have kids? And she feels like this was better?

"How is it better?" he asked grudgingly.

Matron smiled gently at him. "Because I get to help you rascals not feel so gloomy all the time. I want to see you all as happy as you can be. Just because you're an orphan that doesn't mean you should feel like one. You shouldn't feel alone in the world."

She placed a hand on Squall's right shoulder, squeezing it. Squall tensed up at the touch, not liking it one bit, even if it was from Matron. But he resisted the urge to twist out of her grasp, not wanting to upset her.

"I'm here for you, Squall."

And Matron's eyes gleamed almost as though they were glow-in-the-dark. Squall's eyes were magnetically drawn to them, as his breath caught for the briefest of moments. He actually had to shake himself to snap out of it.

"Here...for me?" Squall repeated, feeling as though his brain's ability to comprehend even the simplest of words had just fizzled out.

It wasn't the first time Matron had said something like this to him. She'd tried many times to comfort and console him when he appeared to be the least bit lonely. But Squall couldn't understand why she even bothered. He wished she would give up on him like the kids did. And it was impossible to hide his insecurities from her, no matter how hard he tried. She was almost like a shadow, always by his side. Unlike his parents, whoever they may be. Or may have been.

Speaking of his parents, those words..."I'm here for you"...he didn't want to hear them uttered from Matron's lips. He wanted to hear them from his own flesh and blood.

"There's nothing wrong with not wanting to play with the others, Squall. You don't have to force yourself to deal with their shenanigans. It's okay to want to be alone."

"I don't like being alone."

Squall regretted exposing his innermost feelings immediately after the words left his mouth. But it was as though his mouth had a life of its own, spewing out what he feared admitting to anyone. He wanted to clamp his hands over his mouth for fear of revealing too much about how he felt. He viewed the world as a hostile place, filled with untrustworthy and evil people. Any supposed friend could become a foe at any given time. No one was family to him. No one was anything to him at all. A part of him wanted to keep it that way. But, to his revulsion, another part of him...a part of him that he tried so hard to obliterate since he'd first understood what it meant to be an orphan…did not like the thought of living his life in such a way. By closing himself off from others. By dooming himself to a lonely life filled with what-ifs and could-have-beens. Yes, he was a child, but he felt so much older than his age. Sometimes he felt like he was the adult who watched over the others.

Squall swallowed hard then, as he chanced saying more, against his better judgment. "I...I wish I knew who my parents were. What they look like. If they're...alive." Squall winced at himself for letting his walls down, but it was too late to back out now. Now all he could do was ride out the waves and hope for the best. He wondered why it was he was even telling Matron these things. Maybe he was even lonelier than he thought.

"I understand, Squall. I wish I knew who they were, too. If I did, I'd drag them over here and have them realize what an amazing child they've missed out on raising up until now. Because you _are_ amazing, Squall. You're an extraordinarily sweet boy who would make his parents proud."

Squall's stomach plummeted with disappointment. He had really hoped that Matron would say just the right thing, although he had no clue what it was he was even hoping to hear. He just knew that what she'd said wasn't it. He didn't believe any of the compliments she'd awarded him. He knew they weren't true because he saw himself as a failure. Someone who didn't even deserve love. That was why he ended up at this orphanage in the first place. It was as though he was being punished by a higher power who felt some kind of thrill in giving him false hope day after day. False hope that he may one day be accepted by someone and no longer feel like he'd been dumped here like he was a steaming pile of chocobo dung.

"How about we go inside now?"

Matron reached to take hold of Squall's hand, but he reflexively snatched it away from her. He knew that he'd hurt her feelings, but he didn't care. He hated being touched and right now, when he felt so vulnerable, it was as though she could see into his soul the more that he bared himself to her. He stood up silently, making sure not to face her. The two of them walked back towards the orphanage quietly.

As Squall entered, he could hear the sounds of chattering in the living room. Everyone was sitting and enjoying the hot dogs Matron had told him about. Squall reluctantly took a seat on the floor, apart from the others. He just didn't have an appetite. The only reason he was even choosing to sit in this room was because he felt like it might cause a problem if he didn't at least do this much.

Seifer had apparently stolen Zell's hot dog and was holding it out of the young boy's reach with one hand, while the other hand pushed Zell away from him. Zell was crying and threatening to beat him up, but Seifer was unaffected by the threats. Like always. Matron called from the kitchen for them to stop their bickering or else she'd send them to their rooms. This managed to silence them, although Zell huffed as he sat down with his arms crossed. Squall wouldn't have had to look to know that there were streaks of tears running down his face. He saw Seifer grin as he took a triumphant bite out of Zell's hot dog.

Matron then brought Squall a soda along with a plate with a hot dog on it. Squall stared at the hot dog almost as though it were his lifelong enemy. His stomach rumbled so loudly he was sure that everyone would have heard it if there wasn't so much talking going on. He sighed loudly as he picked it up and took a bite. It should have tasted delicious. It was nice and hot and flavorful as well. Matron made hot dogs often especially for Zell. Squall used to like them as well, despite the fact that he never really craved any specific food. He was perfectly fine with settling with whatever Matron chose to cook. As time passed by, however, it seemed that no matter what he ate, it all began to taste more and more rubbery to him. He may as well have been eating an eraser.

Once Squall had finished the hot dog, he maneuvered around the other kids and Cid as he took his plate and empty soda can into the kitchen. Once he threw away the can and put the plate in the sink, he walked towards his room he shared with Seifer. It was like a sanctuary to him, the only place in the orphanage where he felt remotely at ease. He didn't have to keep his guard up in here, at least not until Seifer ruined things by entering it.

As he entered his room, he practically threw himself onto his bed. As he lay there, he couldn't help but think back to what he'd said to Matron. He wondered why he even cared what types of people his parents were. They couldn't have been that admirable if they'd abandoned him the way they did. Then again, perhaps they'd suspected that he'd turn out the way that he had. If they knew what he was like, that he'd rather hang out with his shadow than with other human beings, perhaps they'd be repulsed by his oddities and want nothing to do with him. Squall was certain they wouldn't feel comfortable with raising someone as weird and unapproachable as him. At times, he almost felt like a cactuar, whose every word uttered would send thousands of needles in the direction of anyone who dared to try to get him to open up.

He'd thought like this many times before. He used to obsessively wonder about his parents, but as time passed, he found he was caring less and less about them. He slowly was accepting that he might just be an orphan for life.

It was awful being an orphan. It made him feel as though there was something wrong with him. Most children had happy families and were reminded that they were loved every day of their lives. Squall, on the other hand, was forced to endure seeing pity in Matron's eyes every now and then. He also knew it wasn't just because he was an orphan that she looked at him in that way. As nice as she was, she still was human. Flawed. There were cracks in the facade. She didn't fully believe that he was perfectly okay being who he was.

Squall sniffed as he felt hot tears prick his eyes. His lower lip wobbled as he suddenly felt a gaping emptiness in his chest, as though he was fully aware he was missing something essential to his life at that moment. Something that he'd desired even more than a family. Something he desired so strongly it lit a fire inside him that could never be extinguished. He wanted it badly. _So_ badly. And oh how he hated his parents for being the reason he'd turned out like this.

What Squall wanted...what he _needed_... was friendship.

Friendship.

He wished so badly that the others would extend a hand to him and invite him to play with them. And that he'd take their hand and do so without a care in the world. He wanted to feel free and comfortable. He wanted to be able to smile without feeling guilty for doing so. He wanted to be accepted, to be loved.

So then...why wasn't he being allowed to have this? Why did it seem like something so simple, something so many took for granted...was unattainable for him?

Squall stared with glassy eyes at the ceiling above. Tears dripped down his cheeks as the answer to his questions flitted across his mind. It was simple, really. He wasn't like the others. He wasn't normal. There was something wrong with him. That had to be why he'd been abandoned in the first place.

Squall lay sprawled on his bed, feeling comforted by the conclusion he'd arrived at. It made it easier when he blamed himself, rather than blaming his parents.

And when Matron opened the door, he rolled onto his side, pretending to be asleep. He felt her place a blanket over him, but he didn't feel the least bit of gratitude for it. As always, any attempts to make him feel better in any way just didn't work.

He just felt numb.

/

A/N: Thanks to Bebedora for the beta.


End file.
